It’s tough to make it through a whole day without doing this. A week? A month? Have you ever gone that long without getting upset with your kids, without raising your voice at them?
Probably not.
Even people with professional training struggle! Samantha Mann, a licensed behavioral analyst who works with dysregulated children, wrote recently about how, even though she could be calm with kids at work, she found herself constantly yelling at her 6-year-old son at home. As we’ve talked about, this is exactly upside down—the way we are more patient with people outside our family than those inside it.
So Mann set a goal for herself: Could she go 30 days without yelling?
She made behavior charts—one for her son and one for herself—with rewards for intervals of time without behavioral issues (for him) and without getting angry (for her). Each day, it became easier not to yell. The chart and Mann’s desire to change kept bringing her back to regulation quicker, no matter how her son was behaving.
In the end, the challenge was a gift to her son and herself. Mann said it has helped her to “react more thoughtfully and feel more in control” of her emotions and her parenting.
We need to learn to do the same. Emotional regulation, while more difficult for some than others, is a habit like anything else. The more you practice it, the more you are aware of it, the more you reflect on it, the better you’ll get at it.
P.S. We talked about this article recently in one of our monthly Daily Dad Society calls—and decided to try Mann’s challenge ourselves.
When we reconvened, the stories were remarkable.
One dad made a new practice of checking in with his kids after a long day, asking them how their days went and always ending with “I love you.” Another pulled back on yelling, only to notice his wife then falling into a “bad cop” role—which led to a conversation that changed how they parented together. Another dad tried an audit, noting how many times he hugged his daughter in a day. After realizing it wasn’t enough, he made an effort to hug her at least three times a day, improving their relationship and allowing him more time to listen to her.
Even an awareness of the issue helped these parents. Many said they became more present and started to notice signs of their frustration earlier—so they could catch themselves before losing it.
That’s what Daily Dad Society is. Not a lecture. A group of fathers doing the work together, every month, on a live call. We share our wins, our frustrations, our ideas, our advice—and come away with practical tools to be better parents, day by day.
