We make mistakes as parents because we are flawed and imperfect. But we are saved by one thing—our ability to own these mistakes and repair them. As we’ve said here many times, quoting the great Dr. Becky’s book Good Inside (which we carry at Painted Porch you must read!), we are saved by the fact that it’s never too late to repair.
It doesn’t matter if we raised our voice yesterday or if we were distracted and preoccupied when they needed us a few months ago or if we were too strict or judgmental twenty years ago. We can always repair. We can talk to them about what happened. We can hear how it affected them. We can explain. We can apologize. We can heal.
We talked recently about Julia Louis-Dreyfus whose mother suggested, at 87—and when her daughter was 60—that they go to therapy and talk about some things she wished that she’d handled better when she and her daughter were younger. How wonderful and brave that was. And what an inspiration that should be to us!
“It was very, very helpful,” Dreyfus explained. “It’s not like everything becomes perfect, but that’s not possible under any circumstances. But it was an opportunity to communicate in maybe a more honest way, and in a safe way that was helpful to both of us.” Look, no repair is ever going to be perfect. No wounds ever completely heal.
But you know which ones definitely don’t heal? The ones we ignore. The ones we allow to fester. The ones we say we’ll deal with later. That was Dreyfus’ final point, one that should hit all of us hard, no matter what age you are: “I encourage you to do it [repair, that is], because you might not have the opportunity in 10 years, and you might think, Oh, if only.”
Go talk to your kids. Not later. Now!