They shouldn’t have done that. They need to learn. You were stressed. You’re a human being, too. You’re doing your best.

It’s totally normal and obviously incredibly common to get upset with your kids. Has there ever been a parent who didn’t yell, who didn’t lose their cool? Probably not. Yet we know this is not a good strategy—for them or for us.

We talked recently about Samantha Mann, a behavioral analyst who works with dysregulated children. She wrote about her effort to see if she could go a whole month without yelling at her young son (and we discussed her article and were inspired to try this challenge in Daily Dad Society as well). Mann said:

For a minute, the yelling feels good. The moment I open my mouth it’s an emotional release disguised as a lecture … Here I am, demanding respect, gentleness, and emotional control while not exuding any of it. That’s when my post-rage hangover hits: the guilt that I have felt more anger toward this tiny person I love than toward those who have actually harmed me. The people who deserved my anger got understanding, grace, and even empathy.

Release or not, you’re going to feel horrible every time you yell at your kids. It’s not necessary, it doesn’t help, and it doesn’t fix anything. In fact, it only makes things worse.

That’s why, as we often say, we need to learn to pause and reflect before reacting. These are, as Mann reminds us, tiny people that you love. Why would you take out your unrestrained anger on them?

Instead, take that moment to think. To breathe and calm down. To prevent yourself from saying or doing something you’ll regret—something that will affect them long after the moment has passed. (And by the way, isn’t that something you want THEM to be able to do, too? Show them what it looks like.)

That’s why we created the Pause and Reflect Medallion—to help ground you in those tense moments. Grab it as a physical reminder to delay your reaction—to think about that little, growing person you love. That person who looks to you as a role model, who looks to you when they’re in a difficult situation themselves, who loves you, too.