Decades ago, parenting roles were more clearly defined—and less evenly distributed. Mothers typically shouldered childcare responsibilities while fathers focused on breadwinning. Expectations for timelines were different then too. Career paths were more linear and families formed earlier in life.

Things were tough then. And though we’ve evolved toward more equitable parenting, things are still tough. Because having children, regardless of the era or arrangement, will always be tough. It’s a big disruption of your career. It takes up so much of your time. It takes a toll on your body. It takes you out of the workforce, in some form or another.

All parents—good ones anyway—wrestle with this. In her song with Bon Iver, Charli XCX talks about how hard it is to consider slowing down in your peak earning years. “There’s so much guilt involved when we stop working” she sings, “’Cause you’re not supposed to stop when things start working.” Having kids makes you less available. Having kids makes you less up for certain things. Having kids puts you on call—all the time—for this little person who is sick all the time, who as each day passes, has more interests and needs and obligations.

Having kids costs you. Not just in expenses, but in lost opportunities, in lost promotions, in lost leisure. Could a more just and supportive society reduce some of these tradeoffs? Sure, but not all of them. Because there are only so many hours in the day and so little measures up to the heaviness and the purpose of taking care of those little people. Ultimately, you will make the trade, because as she sings, our “career still feels small in the existential scheme of it all.”