They’ve been crazy all day. They haven’t been listening. They’ve been doing exactly what they know they’re not supposed to be doing. They could have gotten hurt. They could have broken something. They were being rude to everyone around them.
So what do you do? You get upset. Every parent has been there. The look of disappointment. The grabbed arm. The harsh word. The getting down in their face to deliver the whispered admonishment. The threat. Do we forget? Do we forget who we are talking to? A kid. Our kid.
In Athens one day, the Stoic philosopher Cleanthes (you can read about him in Lives of the Stoics) saw a man talking out loud to himself–you know, really laying into himself. “You idiot! How could you? What were you thinking?”—that kind of thing. Cleanthes, passing by, interrupted him and just said, “Hey, you’re not talking to a bad person.”
Imagine if someone could do that for us next time we’re upset with our kids. “Hey, you’re not talking to a bad person.” You’re talking to your kid! That person you love! That sweet, sweet child. As parents, we need to remember that our children are inherently good inside. When we lose our temper, we’re forgetting this fundamental truth—that beneath the behavior is a good child trying to navigate a complex world with limited tools.
As Dr. Becky Kennedy explains in her book Good Inside, children aren’t giving us a hard time—they’re having a hard time. In fact, when we talked with her on The Daily Stoic Podcast (watch here), she emphasized that seeing the good in our children doesn’t mean ignoring challenging behavior. Instead, it means responding to it with the understanding that they’re still learning. Just as Cleanthes reminded that man, we’re not dealing with bad people—we’re guiding good children who sometimes make mistakes as they grow.
P.S. For more on how to regulate our emotions as parents—which helps our kids regulate their emotions too—watch our full interview with Dr. Becky over on The Daily Stoic YouTube channel. We also have copies of her book Good Inside available at the Painted Porch. Head here to get yours today!
