The philosopher Stilpo of Megara had a daughter with a bad reputation, though we don’t know exactly why. It could have been deserved, or it could have been for one of those ridiculously minor breaches of etiquette that the ancient world was so obsessed with. Double standards were rampant back then, especially when it came to women, so who’s to say?
But that’s not the point. What stands out is Stilpo’s reaction when someone tried to shame him for his daughter’s reputation. His reply was simple but profound: “She is not more a disgrace to me than I am an honor to her.”
At first glance, this might seem cold or detached, even un-fatherly. But look closer, and you’ll see that it’s actually a remarkably healthy and respectful perspective for a parent to have. Stilpo was acknowledging a truth that many parents struggle with: Your kids are their own people.
If they achieve great things—get into a top college, make a lot of money, or change the world—it’s because they put in the effort and earned it. It’s not necessarily a reflection of your greatness as a parent. On the other hand, if they stumble, make mistakes, or take paths you wouldn’t have chosen, that doesn’t make you a failure either.
Your successes and failures don’t define your children, just as theirs don’t define you. Their individuality deserves respect, and so does yours. Your kids aren’t suddenly more special because you excel at your job, nor are they any less special because you’re struggling.
Of course, as a parent, you have immense responsibilities: to care for them, love them, provide for them, and teach them right from wrong. But here’s the thing: don’t conflate their choices or circumstances with your identity. Whether they’re the most popular kid in school or a little awkward, whether they’re crushing it or facing setbacks, it’s not about you. And it’s unfair to them to make it about you.
Life is hard enough for kids as it is. Don’t make it harder by adding extra pressure or by projecting your own hopes and insecurities onto them. Let them be who they are. Celebrate their individuality. Love them unconditionally, not because of their achievements or despite their mistakes, but simply because they are yours.