Parents take care of their kids. We know that. So it makes sense that we spend and sacrifice a lot for them when they are young—they can’t take care of themselves, after all. It also makes sense that parents try, if they can, to leave something to their kids when they die. We want to make sure they’re OK. We want to give them what we’ve managed to cobble together or build in our lives.
But what about the middle? This period is strangely neglected in most of the conversations and expectations about parenting (excepting the mostly negative stuff about nepo babies or failure-to-launch kids). “Some fathers will give them plenty of toys when they are children,” Montaigne would write back in the 16th century, “but will resent the slightest expenditure on their needs once they have come of age.” More recently Bill Perkins spends a chapter in his fascinating book Die With Zero (a parenting book in disguise you can grab over at The Painted Porch) talking about inheritance. He notes that parents tend to leave their kids money much later than you’d expect—the average age that children receive an inheritance is somewhere in their 60’s, he notes. That’s well and good, but Perkins points out that surely most kids could have used that help more when they were paying off their student loans or trying to put together a downpayment for their first house.
Why wait, he asks? Be generous now. When you’ll both enjoy it more.
We’ve pointed out here that this whole idea of “only getting 18 summers with your kids” is a little off. If you are someone your kids actually enjoy spending time with, there are plenty of summers you can have together. You could pay for trips. You could fly out to stay with them for several weeks. Maybe instead of buying that beach house near you, you look for something near them.
This all sounds privileged and in some ways it is. But all of us could use a little re-frame. Your kids are always your kids. You can be a part of their life, you can help them, treat them, even take care of things for them whenever and however you want—it doesn’t just have to be when they’re young or after you’re dead. So if you’re young, pace yourself. This is a marathon and not a sprint. If you’re old, if your kids are grown or nearly grown, what are you waiting for? How much longer do you think this race is going to go on?
P.S. As we mentioned, Die With Zero is a parenting book in disguise, full of wisdom for parents to build better, more enduring bonds with their children by prioritizing meaningful experiences over mindless accumulation. Bill Perkins was also on the Daily Stoic podcast, where he and Ryan discussed how to cultivate a healthy approach to money in children, plus best practices to avoid raising spoiled and entitled kids (while still giving them a great childhood). Listen to the podcast here and grab Die With Zero over at the Painted Porch today!
