There’s so much we don’t control as parents. We don’t control what’s happening in the world. We don’t control what our kids are going through. We don’t even really control what they do–not as much as we’d like to think anyway.

But the one thing we do control, the Stoics would say, is how we choose to look at things. We choose what handle we grab in each situation, the story we tell ourselves about it.

You walk into a room you just cleaned up and find it littered, once again, with toys. This can drive you nuts, or you can choose to see it as what it also is–well played in, a room performing its function (a function you will one day miss). You can fight like crazy with your teenager over every little thing. Or you can step back and realize this is an important part of their development, where they figure life out, where they, yes, rebel against authority. You can look at the events of the world as maddening and unnecessary and dangerous–which of course they are. You can also understand that within this adversity comes, as we have said, an opportunity for luctor et emergo–that by struggling against this both you and your children can emerge stronger and better for it.

We choose what we see. That’s what we control. But it’s worth pointing out that while we can’t force our kids or our spouses to follow suit, if we live this way long enough, if we model it long enough, maybe they’ll pick it up too.