The surprising thing is how much it seems to surprise us—or sadly, how often it disappoints us. That our kids screwed up. That they didn’t listen. That they did that in public. That they tried to get away with something. Or, sometimes more simply, that they are capable of being that loud, that messy, that moody, that disrespectful.

Why, though? Why does that surprise us?

Kids have been that way for as long as there have been kids!

Epictetus said that one of the keys to wisdom was learning “not to expect figs in winter.” That’s not when figs grow, so why would you think you’d find them then? Why would you be upset when they aren’t there?

This—as well as the converse—holds true for parenting. Kids are noisy. Kids are messy. Kids make mistakes. Kids hurt themselves…and their siblings. Kids are ungrateful. Kids are immature. Kids are moody. Kids are lazy.

You were when you were a kid…whether you acknowledge it or not. Your generation was. All generations were. This is what kids do. It’s who they are.

Why do we expect differently? Why are we so easily surprised and frustrated and disappointed? Why do we get so angry? This doesn’t help anything. This isn’t what they need! What they need is love and patience and understanding. They need space. They need encouragement. They need gentle correction. They need to see the right thing modeled. They need love and more love still. And they’re right to expect it from you—their parent.

P.S. Learning “not to expect figs in winter” is just the beginning. Build a life filled with wisdom and understanding for your children. And remember that wisdom is not a destination we reach—it’s a practice, a lifelong commitment to learning, questioning, and improving. Wisdom Takes Work, the final book in the Stoic Virtues Series, is out now. It’s all about this key Stoic virtue of wisdom—how we develop it in ourselves but also how we develop it in our kids, which is something I think about all the time.