We didn’t know better. We were still figuring stuff out. We were just doing what our parents did, we got some bad advice.
In retrospect, some of the stuff we did when our kids were younger seems baffling. Why did we treat them like they were so much older than they actually were? Why were we so strict? Why weren’t we more patient? Why did we force them to do this or that? Why didn’t we listen?
In her book Good Inside, Dr. Becky Kennedy shares something that a mom wrote to her. “I feel guilty for all those years I punished my daughter and gave time-outs,” the woman wrote. “I always thought, ‘It’s too late, I messed up my kids forever.’” But of course, as we’ve been talking about, it’s never too late—never too late to change, never too late to repair. That mom decided she wasn’t just going to feel guilty, she was going to talk to her kids about it. “I told my 8-year-old that I’ve learned more about what kids need and that I wish I hadn’t given her so many time-outs in the moments she needed me most. I saw her body soften. I really did. We hugged. It felt really important.”
It was important. It does matter. We know it will matter to think because it would matter to us if our own parents had done it, it would matter to us if they did it now all these years later. We would soften. We would feel seen. We could re-write. Things could be repaired—if only a little.
Well, we can’t make our parents do that. We can’t change what happened then or in the early days of our own parenting journey. But we’ve learned some stuff since then, we’ve gotten better. And so we can repair. Nothing is messed up forever—not if we choose to be vulnerable enough, loving enough, brave enough to try to address it. We can do that. We must do that. Watch what happens when we do.
P.S. If you want to explore the art of repair with your children and how to connect with them on a deeper level, grab copies of Good Inside over at the Painted Porch (yes, we really do love the book!). Also, check out this excellent episode of the Daily Stoic podcast we recorded with Dr. Becky, where we discussed how parents can learn to regulate their emotions, which will help their children do the same. Listen here or watch on the Daily Stoic YouTube channel.
