Your kids are going to make bad decisions. They are going to do things you disagree with. They may well grow up into someone you don’t understand.

What are you supposed to do? Well, first, as the great Taylor Swift tells us, you need to calm down. You need to remember that, again as she says, “shade never made anyone less gay.” It never made them less anything, in fact. Shade, judgment, criticism, threats, these things only strain and damage relationships–makes kids dig in on decisions, make them not trust you, makes them feel unloved, makes them hurt on top of whatever they’re already going through.

Remember, how Clementine Churchill got her daughter to realize she was marrying the wrong person? It was subtle. It was kind. It was indirect. It gave her daughter agency and time. Remember what Captain Dave Carey said–that the goal of each conversation with your kids is to get to the next conversation.

That means calming down. It means trying to see their perspective. It means giving them space. It means asking questions and withholding opinion. It means offering help. It means providing resources. It means acceptance. It means unconditional love.